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25

When I think about my life in the past three or four years, I see something both beautiful and so utterly disappointing at the same time. Here is what I see.

I see a change of heart. I see a fool still a fool, but maybe a little wiser nonetheless. I see the realization of the difference between “knowing about” and knowing. I see eyes opened finally by faith and not by sight. 

I see a girl who has had a change of heart, but not a change of life. I see a girl who knows better now, has experienced God now, but still cannot change now. I see struggle—struggle to keep seeing by faith and not by sight.

I see myself being disappointed in that girl, and I guess that girl really doesn’t know better now, since she doesn’t know what to do. That girl just keeps making stupid mistakes, and though she tries, she knows trying isn’t the same thing as doing.

The Bible talks about a drastic change. Not just a temporary change, but of one that clings to your life and causes you to remain changed in God forever. God asks you to make major adjustments in your life, and this is why I have to ask myself, have I really made any major adjustments in my character? I mean, can I really credit myself to have changed in God, or are these changes just ones that come hand in hand with getting older and maturing? Yes, there is undoubtedly a longing and a passion that has never been there before, but why am I experiencing this in seasons and not in every single day of my life? Why do I forget so easily? Over the past few years, I have realized that it is, in fact, easy to change, but it is so heartbreakingly difficult to remain changed.

Three or four years from now, I want to look back at myself and see something different. What it will take for my hardened heart to soften in the hands of God, not for a month, not for a year, but forever. A drastic and permanent change. It will take a miracle. Good thing our God is good at that sort of thing. =)

beauty for ashes.

It seems to me that I always have to hit rock bottom before I can reassess my life and actually do something about my unhappiness. I’ve tried to avoid hitting rock bottom for almost a year now, and I guess at this point, it’s just become inevitable. The great thing that comes from this however, is the knowledge that while this may feel like it’s the worst place to be, it’s actually the best place of all. The last few months have been a constant limbo between happiness and unhappiness—the place where you don’t feel happy, but you don’t feel unhappy enough to do anything about it either. And that is the worst place to be. I could feel myself slipping, giving in to impulses and making bad judgements. I wanted, for once in my life, to be completely unrestrained, give in to my worldly desires, and just “live”. 

So I did just that. I went out every weekend, I drank to my heart’s desire, and compromised everything I had once believed in. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. This was freedom, wasn’t it? I was happy, wasn’t I? I mean, how could I not be… I was finally doing whatever the hell I wanted, right? 

For over two months, I continued to tell myself that this was exactly what I wanted. That a life of selfishness and worldly indulgences was what I needed. That my life as a goody two shoes Christian was impossible and even ridiculous. I still wanted to feel the passion, the fire that I’d once known and treasured so deeply, but I told myself I was a lost cause. I had fallen too far away. I prayed empty prayers in hopes that I could start my crawl back up. But it was too late. 

Then this past weekend, I hit rock bottom. I had fallen too far away and had finally landed flat on my face. And surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), this was exactly what I needed. All this time, I had known that I was not really happy. That whatever I was doing to dull the pain of dissatisfaction in my life was in fact, pulling me down further with a 30 pound weight. 

Sometimes, you need to make the worst mistakes you have ever made to make you realize that where you were prior to all this was freedom. That giving into worldly desires become the things that restrain you, the things that prohibit you from living a fulfilling life. That these ashes can be traded for something much greater—the only thing that had ever made me truly happy. Because when I am with God, I never have to ask myself if I am okay. I never have to convince myself that I am not missing anything. There is something deeper. The desperation to know God, the desire to obey, to listen, and to live life not in my way, but in His. 

24

I love them. My students, that is. And I haven’t even met them yet. I don’t care if their high school hormones rage with attitude, or if their immaturity compels them to throw erasers that I’ll have to make them to pick back up. Let’s face it, I’m going to be the teacher they call an easy grader, the teacher that lets her students hand in homework one week late, and the teacher that won’t mark them down as long as they do. 

I guess I just feel like just because they’re young, and just because they live in a rich, cushy town, doesn’t mean that they aren’t struggling, too. Because they are. And I’ve seen it. I don’t want to yell at my student if he or she misbehaves. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know where to draw boundaries, or how to be authoritative. It’s just that I know that often times, there is a deeper reason as to why my student is acting the way he or she is. A reason that can’t be easily dismissed as symptoms of adolescent puberty.

So dear future students of mine, I will love you with all my heart. I will care about your day. I will ask how you are doing and mean it. I will bend deadlines for you, I will take hours to write lesson plans that will excite you into learning, and I will sit down and talk to you about whatever is on your mind. If you misbehave, I will never get angry, I just want to talk to you about it, reflect on it. And if you ever try to take advantage of my sappy self, you can bet I will know in a heartbeat. ‘Cause your teacher ain’t no fool. ;) 

light.

Everyone is struggling to just be okay. It’s a constant internal battle. Internal because somehow it feels like if you show how much you are really struggling, if you show that you might not be okay, you lose. So you tell yourself that you can never show it on the outside. And if anyone asks you how you are doing, you just say that you’re doing “great”, “okay”, “fine”… anything but how you really feel. You want to appear “strong”, don’t you?

Well, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Let’s be determined to be happy. We owe it to ourselves to say that we’re doing great and freaking mean it. So he doesn’t want to be with you? God has someone better for you. So you didn’t get that job? Don’t sweat it. God’s gotchu. Life isn’t so great right now? It’s okay, He understands. And He’s holding you in His arms. 

I want to share some verses that a dear friend recently shared with me. These reminded me that everything will definitely be okay.

“Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track.” Proverbs 3:5-6

He is with us, He loves us, and He will never forsake us. That alone makes me happy.

23

Being in a relationship is a lot of work. You’re in a position of vulnerability, and that makes you fall victim to a lot of emotions that might otherwise not exist so intensely. Frustration, anger, impatience, and a touch (or more) of craziness, are all part of the deal. It is often during these moments of uncontrollable, flustered emotions that make you want to give up, punch the wall, and never look back. 

Aside from the wonderfully optimistic picture I just illustrated above, I guess what I’m trying to say that hell freaking yes, relationships are hard. They can twist your chest in a knot so tight you barf up salty tears and sticky snot. But if during these moments, instead of giving up, both of you feel like THIS is why you want to work it out… that the flood in your room and the kleenex floating on top is because you both realize you care THAT much… Then maybe you have something there that really is worth the fight(s). Because once the fights subside and you realize that you guys have made it—even if it doesn’t last forever—it is one of the best feelings in the world. 

22

This song by Starfield could not say any better what I’ve been feeling the past few months. When I see people who always seem so strong and unshaken in their faith, I can’t help but feel lost. I don’t know how they do it. I just really want to know how that faith is so consistently maintained… how they never seem to once question what they believe. Of course, there are periods of time when I also feel that way. But that’s the thing. There are PERIODS of time. Not the entire time. Just periods. I wish that wasn’t the way things were. I wish I wasn’t that way.

But for now, I’ll leave with this:

It’s been one of those days
When I’m finding it hard to believe in You

I’ve got something to say
I’ve forgotten how to pray
And I’m finding it hard to believe the truth

I’ve got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I’m alone

I’ve got something to say
What was black and white is grey
And I’m finding it hard to believe in You

And faith might mean there won’t be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light

I’ve got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I was found, but now I’m lost in the fray

It’s been one of those days
When I’m finding it hard to believe in You

21

What I learned from my student teaching:

1) Children are very intelligent… don’t ever underestimate them. Their intelligence is a force to be reckoned with and something to respect. 

2) I feel more comfortable around children than I do around my peers. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 

3) Children love to make up silly songs, say the craziest things, and ooze creativity. They embody everything I love in a human being. 

4) Children are honest. Brutally honest. And blunt. I love it.

5) Never knew sarcasm could start at such an early age. It’s hilarious, though, and I appreciate their humor. 

6) Most children are very easy-going and happy. Except for the occasional grouch, they smile easily, laugh more easily, and make me laugh the most.

7) One child can ruin an entire lesson, or an entire class. Just gotta learn to deal with it. And possibly think about changing your lesson. 

8) Sometimes, it feels as though you’re not getting through to them—you are. It may be more than you realize or less than you’d like, but something gets through. 

9) Teaching is damn stressful. I often think about my former teachers, and how much I regret not showing some of them the respect they deserved.

10) On the other hand, I love teaching. There’s a certain flow that it creates in me, and I forget about everything else.

11) I don’t know if this is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I don’t even know if this is what I really want. I realize that one child can really break my day. But I also realize that one child can make my day and have me skipping all the way home. That children can and have changed my life. And that means more than all my inhibitions combined. 

it’s a hardknock life.

It’s hard to deal with things. Something shitty happens and how are you supposed to deal with that? Especially in relationships with other people. It doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend, but just with anybody. It’s hard to just grit your teeth and move on. How does one become good at dealing with something? Maybe if it happens repeatedly? And even if it does, what if every time it happens, it only gets harder? I just wish none of us had to deal with shit. I think it’s a matter of being able to control your emotions and realize that this is not a big deal. Just let it the hell go. Because in the end, all of this pain is probably just self-inflicted. But of course, it’s always much easier said than done. 

20

Today, I saw a small child playing piano like it was nobody’s business. Crowds of people had gathered to watch him, drawing my attention and curiosity. The black and white notes flew off the keyboard and soothingly into my ears. He was passionate, talented, and endearing. He should have been inside concert halls.

He was inside the subway. 

A man that I could only assume to be his father stood beside him, selling autographed copies of his son’s $12 cds. Awed hands clapped enthusiastically, throwing money into the boy’s tattered, black suitcase, as the boy played on like there was no tomorrow.

I don’t know, maybe I should have been appreciating the child’s obvious talent more, but all I could think about was the amount of hours that boy must have been inside that stupid subway. Had he even gone to school? Why was he doing this? Money issues? Was he doing this willingly or had he been forced to? 

Man, he looked like such a sweet kid, too. I just hope that this isn’t his daily routine. Because when a passion turns into work, it almost always ceases to remain an escape.